Addicted To Chaos

I’ve come to realize something about myself. When it comes to women, I enjoy the thrill and the excitement of the chase more than having. It’s like Christmas, once you open your gift, no matter how great it is, you’re never going to be as excited about opening it again. You can re-wrap it and try to recapture the excitement but it’s never the same. Nothing is ever quite as exciting as the first kiss, or the first intimate encounter. Maybe that’s partly why I am the way I am. I can’t count anymore how many females I’ve passed up on because they’ve made it too easy for me. Once it’s too easy, there’s no excitement anymore.  

I’ve been told there are serious drawbacks to dating beautiful women. I haven’t found any. At least not any big enough to keep me from dating more beautiful women. Sure most of them are crazy, sure they’ve got problems, sure they are all completely bat shit nuts. But I am a visual creature damnit. I need a good looking chick to keep me company. The way that I am, it’s no wonder why all of the chicks I’ve had long term relationships or flings with are the ones that always keep me guessing. The ones that I’m never really sure about. But they always deliver in the end, one way or another. Here are some of their stories:

Queen Bitch:

I met Queen Bitch back in high school. The very first time we went out, we both brought friends. Later that day she sent me an angry email cursing me out for bringing a friend. I should have known right there to run away and stay away from this insane psychopath. But for some reason I found it kind of sexy. She was dangerous, and I got a rush out of it. I have a smart mouth, I’m hard on people, and I tend to be harsh, I like women that can give it back to me as much as I can give it to them. 

That was the first but definitely not the last flip out. She was bi-polar and borderline. I can’t remember how many disorders she had. But they all manifested multiple times in our 5 year relationship. I guess good sex can keep a man going for a long time. As my friend Iron Mike put it I was thinking with my little head. 

Alcoholica:

By the time I met Alcoholica my mind was in a completely different place from Queen Bitch. I mean a few months, and a few people between the two times will do that to you. Alcoholica was exciting, and a total mystery to me. I didn’t reveal much of myself to her either so I guess we’re even. Two assholes. This chick can out drink most of my guy friends. Actually, make that all of my guy friends. That was a plus in my book.

We’ve known each other a little over three years now. She’s become one of my most reliable booty calls. And in all honesty a friend as well. So what exactly does that make her? At this point she’s definitely more than just a hook up, but she’s definitely not a girlfriend. A good friend that I occasionally put my things inside of? One thing’s for certain, from the first time I saw her I knew I wanted to take my things and put them in her things, and take them back out, and put them back in, and take them back out, and put them back in, over and over again. And so I did. 

Iron Mike: “She’s the other woman dude. No matter how many chicks come in and out of your life she’ll always be there. Until you find your keeper, this one will always be the other woman.”

Oracle:

I met Oracle through a mutual friend. And even though we didn’t have much time to really talk that first time I knew this was somebody I really wanted to get to know better. Plus…she was hot. So we got together for coffee at Starbucks one afternoon to just hang out. I don’t usually do dates, I hang out. If she impresses me then we can get more intimate. If I can’t talk to you for five minutes without wanting to rip my ears off then I have no time for you. No matter how hot you are. 

We got to the counter and as usual with Starbucks the lady behind the counter asked if we were together.

Me: “Well, she’s really attracted to me, but I’m playing hard to get. So, how are you doing?”

They both laughed, and the response I got from Oracle intrigued me even more. 

Oracle: “Oh please, if I wanted to I’d get you, easy.

Me: “Hun, I’m not that easy. I don’t just jump into bed with anyone. You have to earn this awesomeness.”

Oracle: “What if I don’t want to?”

Me: “In half an hour you’ll be begging me to date you.”

Barista: “Ok guys, how about I get your order?”

Oracle’s eyes were staring at me with a look of half disbelief and half turned on by how I was talking to her. We ordered our drinks and sat down. From that first conversation on the sexual tension between us kept getting stronger and stronger. During each conversation we’d each throw in sexual innuendo and references. And every time the tension mounted I pulled back. Just to keep her in suspense. We got together a few more times before we sealed the deal, but it ended up being one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve ever had with a woman. 

Iron Mike: “This is the closest chick you’ve ever had to a keeper. But she’s just not quite it. This is the one you’ll never forget.”

Pseudo Midget:

The Pseudo Midget was one of the most intense relationships I’ve ever had with a woman. It was rewarding, and frustrating, and great, and not so great. It was like ice cream, it tastes so good, you want more and more, but then you get the brain freeze and you curse the ice cream’s soul to hell. Or like a good whiskey, it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but drink too much and you’ll wind up passed out in the gutter in a puddle of your own vomit. 

She will however always be remembered as the only girl who ever made my penis bleed, and then made me want to jump her bones all over again even before I healed. Me comparing her to greasy fast food still stands. Just now, I have the will power to keep myself away from the greasy fast food. That greasy fast food will never clog my arteries again. 

Iron Mike: “This was a love, hate relationship. You love to hate her, but you hate that you love her.”

Please feel free to leave comments or thoughts. All comments and thoughts are at risk of being verbally assaulted.

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