Vagina of Doom

May 2009:

I have lost count of how many times I’ve been called an asshole or a jerk by a woman. Honestly it has been WAY too many to count. If I had a penny…you know how that statement ends. It has quite a little ring to it too. It’s almost like music to my ears now when a woman calls me an asshole. I get a smile on my face, I get a giggly and usually tell them to stop flattering me. It’s fun. I might as well introduce myself by saying; “Hey, I’m Marco, and I’m an asshole.” than they can’t be angry for me not warning them. 

In the summer of 2009 before I met the Pseudo Midget I was out with two of my girl…uh…female friends. Yes I know females I don’t have sex with. A lot of them actually. No, they’re not ugly, but being friends with cute chicks, gets you introduced to cute chicks. And also, I guess they’re kind of cool, or something. Let’s call them Izzy, and Desi. 

As happens so often with me we ended up at Starbucks just sitting at the window and talking. My attention got diverted when a really cute chick passed by the window. 

Me: “I want to pet her!”

Desi: “Wow you are such a man.”

Me: “Well what was your first clue?”

Izzy: “I can see his pants rising now.”

Me: “Keep looking because you’re never going to get it.”

Izzy: “Who said I wanted it?”

Desi: “You were staring for a reason.”

Me: “She took the words right out of my mouth.”

Izzy: “Hey you’re suppose to be on my side Desi!”

My phone starts ringing. It’s my friend Tone who I’d gone out with one night earlier. 

Me: “Abortion clinic, you make ‘em we bake ‘em.”

Tone: “You dumbass.”

Me: “You cuntbox.”

Izzy and Desi are laughing hysterically in the background. 

Me: “So what do you want from my life?”

Tone: “Dude, I am so hungover.”

Me: “Well that’s your own fault, I’m fine.”

Tone: “You’re always fine. You are like immune or something.”

Me: “I am pretty awesome ain’t I?”

Tone: “Asshole.”

Me: “Whatever.”

Tone: “Dude, Tifa called me earlier, she was asking about you.”

Me: “Dude I barely spoke to her. Why would she be asking about me?”

Tone: “You sound disappointed, she’s hot.”

Me: “Nah, not disappointed, just wondering.”

Tone: “You know chicks, they don’t make sense.”

Me: “So, did you give her my phone number?”

Tone: “No, I didn’t know if you wanted me to.”

Me: “Seriously dude? Are you fucking kidding me?”

Tone: “I don’t know, I figured I’d ask.”

Me: “She’s hot.”

Tone: “So is that a yes?”

Me: “Yes you dumb fuck!”

Tone: “Ok, ok.”

Me: “Give her my number, and when you do tell her that I’m an asshole and she should keep away from me.”

Tone: “That won’t be too hard, you are an asshole.”

Me: “So? Anyway I’m with some friends I’ll talk to you later dude.”

Tone: “Ok, later.”

I hang up and Desi and Izzy are looking at me like I’m an alien.

Me: “What!?”

Izzy: “Did you just pass up on a girl you think is hot?”

Me: “Um…no.” 

Desi: “Yea, you did.”

Me: “No I didn’t.”

Izzy: “You had your friend tell her that she should keep away from you.”

Me: “Yea, so?”

Desi: “That’s kind of the definition of passing up on a girl.”

Me: “I will bet you a round of shots later that she will call me before the day is done.”

Izzy: “I knew you were crazy, just not this crazy.”

Desi: “You’re going to scare that girl away.”

Me: “A round of shots. I’ll bet you a round of shots that I’ll hear from her before the day is done. Come on, take that offer? Or are you too scared to put your money where your mouth is?”

Izzy: “Ok, you’re on.”

Desi: “Fine.”

Izzy: “I still can’t believe you said that though.”

Me: “Yea, yea, just sit back and watch.”

So we sat there drinking our coffees, and talked about my night the night earlier. I told them I went to a party with a friend and was introduced to two chicks. One hot one, and one cute one. I ignored the hot one all night because the cute one was giving me more attention. The cute one came home with me that night, she was unremarkable. And now apparently the hot one wanted my number. I guess I impressed her? Somehow?

It took Tifa about twenty minutes from the time I hung up with my friend Tone to call me. I won the bet. Desi and Izzy looked on in astonishment as me and Tifa made plans to meet up that very night. Once the call was over we had all finished our coffees and I had a coy little smile on my face. Satisfied, like after you take a really good dump. Me and the girls said our goodbyes, and I took a rain check on the shots. 

We met up at the park because she didn’t know how to get to my place or any of the bars nearby. I was standing there a good ten minutes, then I noticed a cute chick across the street and started checking her out. During this someone startled me from behind. Just as an involuntary, and I do stress involuntary reaction, my arm moved in a such a way where I accidentally ended up hitting the person. I looked over and there was Tifa, holding her vaginal area. Yes, that’s right, I accidentally cunt punched her. I only mention this because to this day I still have no idea whether or not this lead to the events of later that day. 

We went out to a bar called Cheap Shots which was an awesome dive bar with air hockey and writing all over the wall back then, but totally blows now. We drank for a while, flirted heavily, I teased her, she made believe she was actually insulted. This went on for a while. Then we went back to my place. Once we got there we started making out, and things progressed pretty rapidly. She seemed kind of timid so I tried to set her at ease, and we started having sex. It definitely wasn’t shark sex, more like bunny rabbit sex, but it was great in its own right. 

She still seemed nervous despite the fact that she was enjoying it, pulling me closer, and holding my hand. It was one of the most dare I say, romantic one night stands I’ve ever had. That nervousness was not just perceived, it began manifesting itself. Part way through bunny rabbit sex the opposite of what normally happens started happening. She began getting tighter. I’ve been with my share of women that do Kegel excersizes, so I’m used to women that can contract on command. And so I ignored it at first. Then at one point I felt this sudden burst of pain. 

Me: “Ow, oh shit!”

Tifa: “What?”

I tried to pull out, but I was stuck.

Tifa: “What’s going on?”

Me: “You’re vagina won’t let go of me!”

Tifa: “What!?”

Every time she got tense it hurt like crazy.

Me: “Ow fuck! Calm down that hurts! I can’t pull out. I’m stuck inside of you.” 

Tifa: “Oh my god you’re right, I can feel it.”

Me: “Ow! Fuck! Don’t panic, please don’t fucking panic! It hurts too damn much when you panic.”

Tifa: “Shit I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I don’t know what to do!”

Me: “Ow! Gotdamnit you stupid fuck calm down!”

Obviously this had the exact opposite effect of what was originally intended. 

Me: “Ow! Fuck! Ok, ok. I’m sorry. Now give me back my dick!”

Tifa: “I’m sorry, I’m trying!”

Me: “Ow! Fuck!”

At this point I realized that maybe a change in attitude was in order. 

Me: “Ok, ok. We both need to calm down, this isn’t solving anything.”

Tifa: “I’m sorry, I can’t control it. This never happened to me before.”

Me: “Damn do I really make you that nervous?”

She actually laughs at this and I feel the tension alleviate slightly. But it’s definitely still too tight in there to be able to break free. 

Tifa: “Well you’re kind of hot, and I haven’t been with anyone since my ex back in January.” 

Me: “Damn that’s a long time. But if I knew it was going to be like this I’d keep away too.”

This gets another laugh out of her.

Tifa: “Why are you such an asshole?”

Me: “It’s a gift really.”

Tifa: “That’s some gift.”

Me: “You’re one to talk.”

Tifa: “That’s a low blow.”

Me: “And blowing is how we’re going to finish out tonight, because I am not going back in there.”

Looking back on it, it seems kind of weird to have a regular conversation with a girl I’m stuck inside of. But really, what choice did I have? It was either panic and possibly have my penis squeezed off, or go to the emergency room, or both. Or try and calm her down and diffuse the situation and hope, hell, pray that her calming down would release her vaginal death grip on my penis. I kind of like my penis, so I chose the latter. 

Me: “So Hun, as nice as it is to be inside of you under normal circumstances, are you ready to let me go now?”

Tifa: “This is so embarrassing. I can’t believe this!”

Me: “Woah, no, no, don’t get agitated. The only way we might have a chance of getting out of this is by us both calming down.”

Tifa: “Oh my god, this is fucking unbelievable.”

Me: “Well it’ll be a great story to tell your grandkids someday. I’m sure they’d love to hear about grandma’s vaginal death grip.”

She laughs at this and begins calming down again. I softly kiss her a few times and I feel her grip slowly start releasing itself. I make sure not to do anything overly sexual, I thought that maybe if I turned her back on I’d lose my penis. 

Me: “Anytime you’re ready to give me my dick back I’ll be more than happy to take it from you.”

Tifa: (chuckling) “I hate your guts!”

Me: (sarcastically) “Yea I can totally tell.”

Eventually I calmed her down enough that I was slowly able to pull out. She was still pretty tight though, so there was no blowing that night. Instead we spent the rest of the night in the ER trying to figure out exactly what happened to her. Fun times, really fun times.

Please feel free to leave comments or thoughts. All comments and thoughts are at risk of being verbally assaulted.