The Legend of the Marco Whisperer

Recently I met a girl, I referred to her as “Bacon” in “Oh My God Marco They’re Going To Rape Us!” But she’s got another infamous nickname between me and my friends. She is “The Marco Whisperer.” Why that nickname?

Well, without even so much as touching me she managed to do something no other girl (Not even the ones I’ve slept with) has done… leave me speechless. I’ll give you a minute to take that in. That’s right the bottomless pit of asshole remarks, smart assery, sarcasm, and wit was left speechless. What did she do? It’s simple she said,”Goodbye, The Dude.” Yes, that’s right one of my many nicknames is “The Dude” if you don’t know the reference you need to watch more movies.

It wasn’t what she said, it was the way she said it. Like I was her hero or something. Now I’m a awesome guy, but hero? That’s new territory for me. So there I was speechless, and when I finally snapped back into reality I tried to calling back to her “No, wait, I want your phone number!” It was too late. She was already gone. Anyway, fast forward a little bit and I gracefully recover. We started talking on Facebook and here’s the run down of the conversation:

Me: “We never get to talk at work so I thought I’d try Facebook. We should do lunch sometime.”

Whisperer: “I’d like that, we should do something. How did you find me on Facebook?”

Me: “I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Facebook has a search function. It is a place to connect with people after all. So how am I going to contact you? Do you have a phone number? Or should I just send smoke signals?”

Whisperer: “Smoke signals would be nice. My phone number is: xxx-xxx-xxxx”

Marco: “I don’t know, smoke signals are a lot of work. I have to go all the way up to the roof, gather wood, start a fire, find a fire retardant blanket, and release puffs of smoke rhythmically into the air, and I just don’t know if you’re smoke signal worthy yet or not. But, you can contact me at: xxx-xxx-xxxx”

Now I’ve been dating, fucking, or otherwise relating to females in one way or another for a long time now. I’ve known my fair share of women. But this one, she was different. I’m used to dealing with sluts, whore-bags, cunts, rib stealing nut silos, psychopaths, lunatics, bitches, asshats, men hating lobotomizers, but not this girl. She was good, wholesome even. Like 7 vitamins and minerals, whole grains, part of a complete breakfast good. She completely threw me off my game. She didn’t even want to be in my house with me by herself. I had to look her dead in the eye and said,”I am way too good looking to need to take advantage of women.” In order to get her to drop her guard and come in. I felt like a snake, tempting Eve to bite down on the apple. Marco you evil, evil tempter. Bad Marco, baaaaaaad Marco!

If you’re anything like me than you’re probably thinking the same thing I’m thinking. When’s the other shoe going to drop? Something this good has to have a down side to it. Single, Hot, and Sane can never co-exist in the same woman can they? There’s got to be something wrong with her, and that’s what scares me. The other side of the coin. It’s like I’m watching Two-Face flip his double-headed coin over and over, and it keeps landing on the good side. I know, I just know that one of these times, it’s going to land on the evil, scratched up side. It’s just a matter of when.

Despite that, I kept seeing her, and we kept getting to know each other. I fought every instinct that I have. Because everyone that knows me, knows I don’t like getting close to people. There’s a handful of people in this world that I am truly close to, and even they only get about 20% of the whole me. Everyone that knows me, knows I’m a bit of a loner. And that’s how I like it. So to fight every instinct in my body, and actually get to know someone was a big step for me. It took someone who is probably the exact opposite of me (except for the smart mouth and sharp tongue) to finally get me to actually try and get to know someone.

We dated for a while, and it was pretty obvious that we kept thinking about each other. Under all the wise cracks, all the denying our feelings for each other, underneath it all we just kept wanting more and more. Until one day as I was taking her home, she called her mom. Let her know that her “Friend” was taking her home. After she hung up the phone I went for it. Yeah, that’s right, it was me. I figured if the bandage was going to come off, I’d have to do it quick.

Me: “Friend huh?

Whisperer: “Yea?”

Me: “What if I wanted to be more?”

Whisperer: “I don’t know because I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

A coy smile formed on her face. She knew, she was just determined to make me drop my guard even further. And it worked.

Whisperer: “If you want an answer you have to spell it out for me. Actually tell me what you want.”

Me: “I want you to be my girlfriend.”

Whisperer: “Yes.”

Her smile went from coy, to pure happiness. Honestly, I couldn’t stop smiling either. So here I am, for the first time, in a long time, in a relationship and it scares the living shit out of me. Can someone please tell me what the fuck I was thinking!? Because I am still not sure myself.

Mishy Boo Says: “The Whisperer bagged Marco.”

One thing’s for sure, she’s got me interested. Now let’s hope I’m not angrily blogging this experience somewhere down the line.