Epic Fails, Jackassery, and Dumbassery

Contrary to popular opinion not all my life is filled with vaginal triumph and all around awesomeness. Even though I am way more awesome than the average male, even I epically fail sometimes. Yes, even I, the ultimate Alpha Male can fail at times. These are the stories of epic failure, jackassery, and dumbassery. I’m still all around awesome and despite being 90 percent superhumanly awesome, this is the 10 percent that’s a little less awesome. After writing this story, I definitely need some new vaginal triumph. 

The Garden And The Cop
Summer 2008

Summer 2008 was a crazy summer. Filled with wild days and even wilder nights. There were some friends of mine that I hadn’t seen in a long time. So I was pretty surprised when I got a call from my friend Jerry. He was with another friend of mine we’ll call her Smidget. They were hanging out at this garden on my block so they called me. I get there and they have a bunch of beer. Drinking right underneath a big sign that reads; “No Alcoholic Beverages” with a cop car sitting right outside the garden. So naturally I start drinking with them.

It was an all around good day. We had a lot of catching up to do and there’s no better way to catch up with old friends than illegally drinking in an NYC public garden. About two hours into our conversation a plain clothes cop approaches my friend Jerry.

Cop: “Can I see your ID?”

Jerry: “My ID? What are you a cop?”

Cop: “That’s exactly what I am.”

Jerry: “Oh shit.”

The cop begins lecturing Jerry, Jerry gets nervous, last thing he needs is to get locked up…again. He asks Jerry if he’s from the neighborhood.

Jerry: “Yea we all are except for Smidget. I live a few blocks away and he (pointing at me) lives right down the block.”

The cop looks over at me.

Cop: “Oh yea? Where do you live then?”

I start pointing randomly at whatever building I can find.

Marco: “I live right there in the building by the…um…sidewalk.”

It was definitely one of those situations where my mouth ran away with me. I knew it was the wrong thing to say. I have never seen a more confused look on a cop’s face. He didn’t immediately react and so I saw opportunity. So I took a chance, I did a bout face and walked away, yes beer in hand. My chance paid off. He didn’t bother me again. He spoke to my friend Jerry for about 30 more minutes give or take and apparently Jerry diffused the situation.

We left the garden shortly before sunset, but not before we finished our beer. And you would think that a run in with a cop would teach us. No buddy, we are NOT that smart. Instead we start walking down the street yelling at innocent bystanders, and verbally assaulting…EVERYONE. By definition hipsters are usually humorless dumbasses, with no sense of humor and a rod up their ass. Usually cowards and won’t get physical with you 99.99 percent of the time. Jerry successfully pushed almost every hipster in the East Village to that brink. A sight I have yet to see repeated.

We begin walking up St. Marks Place. A few minutes later we all notice that Jerry’s disappeared.

Smidget: “Where’s Jerry?”

Me: “How the hell should I know? I’m not his keeper. He always disappears.”

We start walking backwards, and Jerry runs out of some basement next to one of the buildings. He gets to us screaming.

Jerry: “Keep walking, don’t stop, keep fucking walking.”

One look at his hands and we see he has two six packs. Grabbed from the storage room of some snooty restaurant. How we didn’t get arrested that night, I will never know.

The Rainbow Sombrero
Summer 2008

 Yes another one from the epic summer of 2008. I had a get together with my friends Jerry, Sucio, and Jay. We didn’t really have anything special in mind. Just some fake moonshine, and a lot of time on our hands. Like so many reckless nights I’ve had it all started at my place. A little Southern Comfort, A little “Georgia Moon,” and a whole lot of just not caring.

Other then dancing with a mop, and drinking until I couldn’t remember my name, nothing noteworthy happened at my place. Once we left my place because we decided we were hungry. I don’t know where Jerry got it, but he found a Rainbow Sombrero somewhere and put it on his head. Then he began walking around like he was the president, and waving at everyone.

Jerry: “Don’t look at me like that lady, you know you want me!”

Me: “I swear I don’t know him. Can I pet you!?”

Needless to say she crossed the street just to get away from us. I see a group of girls I think is cute so I grab the hat from Jerry and put it on my head. Then I begin walking behind them.

Me: “Lady! Hey Lady! I need to ask you a question!”

She turns around to see me standing there with a dumbfounded look on my face because I definitely wasn’t expecting that. When she noticed the rainbow sombrero the look on her face was priceless. I said the only thing I could think of.

Me: “Can you tie my shoe!?”

Surprised and not sure how to react she actually walked up to the man in the rainbow sombrero, nodded and began tying my shoe. I was so surprised that she was doing this, that I did the only thing I could do. Strike the best superhero pose I could muster. It does wonders for your ego to have a hot girl tie your shoe on command. Especially one you just verbally assaulted on the street. I guess she was drinking too. Before I could get her number, Jerry steals the hat back and I run after him. Not to be outdone he approaches another woman.

Jerry: “Miss, miss, you dropped something, you dropped something.”

She turns around to see him pointing at the floor. He immediately changes and points to himself.

Jerry: “This…all this.”

She rolls her eyes and storms off.

Jerry: “Bitch.”

We begin crossing a street and we see a car at the light filled with some cute girls. I tap Sucio on the shoulder.

Me: “Dude, lets do it.”

He doesn’t need an explanation. We immediately start “Seduction” dancing at the car. The girls inside as well as Jerry and Jay, and pretty much everyone on the street begin laughing. We got a couple of dollar bills thrown at us which Jerry went around and picked up. We finally got to a pizzeria which was an amazing half a block away a half hour later.

Drunk Jesus
April 21, 2011

 I had been dealing with a lot of drama in my personal life leading up to this. So all I wanted to do was hang out with some friends and be reckless and do stupid shit and have fun and, and, and…ok I got carried away, you get the point. I wasn’t looking to get laid, just wanted to forget life for one night. I met up with my friends Him, and Ass Vanish, and we sat around my place and had a few beers. Then we went out looking for a good place to eat at. We spent a good 45 minutes looking for a place to eat but every place was full. We finally shoved our way into San Loco (a Mexican place in my neighborhood).

Once inside there I ordered a burrito, and a tequila shot. Pharaoh ordered a burrito bowl, and a tequila shot, and ass vanish ordered…something, and a tequila shot. As I’m waiting for my ordered an old friend of mine, we’ll call her Tomato (because she got so red she looked like a tomato, but that’s another story) screamed at me from down the bar.

She looked genuinely happy to see me so I went over, gave her a hug and we started talking. She left her seat and came to sit next to me. She was on a blind date with some guy who looked like Jesus, and looked like he’d drank a little bit too much of his own blood. Drunk Jesus keeps looking over at me because I’ve essentially stolen his date (bro she wasn’t going to give it to you anyway, you fucked up your date I didn’t).

Now I said that I wasn’t out to get laid that night and that’s true. I definitely wasn’t trying to get laid. But when I noticed Drunk Jesus giving me dirty looks every few seconds I put my arm around Tomato, put my hand on the small of her back, and her legs. The Demon Child in me definitely came out. I may not have been out to get laid, but at that point I was definitely out to start trouble. Drunk Jesus’ Disciple starts talking about my tequila shot.

Disciple: “Why do you need a lime man? You can’t drink it straight?”

Me: “You’re talking shit to wrong guy bro. I don’t need shit but my shot. I will out drink you two to one.”

Disciple: “Then why do you have the lime?”

Me: “Because she gave it me I didn’t ask for it. Fuck that.”

I take the shot, make no face, no noises, nothing. Sit there stone faced.

Me: “What!?”

Disciple: “Then why do you have the lime?”

Me: “Did you see me touch the lime you stupid fuck!? No, you didn’t! What!? No lime, no nothing. Let’s see you take one.”

Disciple: “I already had one.”

Me: “And I had five bitch!”

At that point I guess he was sufficiently demoralized and he walked out. Drunk Jesus is still trying to gather enough strength to stand up. He keeps looking at me as Me, Pharaoh, Ass Vanish, and Tomato ruthlessly make fun of him. Now, we were all making fun of him, but I guess he felt like I crossed the line because I was monopolizing his “date’s” time and being kind of touchy. Well at Least more touchy then I usually am with friends. Drunk Jesus finally worked up the equilibrium to stand up and he came over to me and put his hand on my shoulder and began incoherently mumbling in drunk lingo.

Drunk Jesus: “Qwghs ubhejii vhvhdi.”

Me: “What the fuck did you just say?”

He starts tapping my side.

Drunk Jesus: “Ufhvbhud cbhufd njics.”

Him: “I think he likes you Marco.”

Me: “Asshole.”

Him: “At least he can turn his blood into wine for you.”

Drunk Jesus: “bhufdsg fbhdidvfb bcjdh.”

Me: “Bro get your hands off of me and go sip yourself.”

He starts tapping me again and I begin to stand up to hit him, but Tomato stops me.

Tomato: “He’s drunk.”

Me: “Ok fine.”

Him: “I don’t know dude, I think he wants to go home with you not her.”

Me: “She just saved him.”

Drunk Jesus: “Gdbfeu cbudis oicxsp.”

Me: “Just stop touching me and go away.”

He left and we all had a laugh about it. Did a couple more rounds of shots and went our separate ways.

Please feel free to leave comments or thoughts. All comments and thoughts are at risk of being verbally assaulted.