Marco You're A God

For some reason I always tend to get the chicks that are completely bat-shit crazy. They’re always hot, but they’re insane. The one’s that put me up on a pedestal like I’m a god or something; maybe that is part of the attraction. Anyway, don’t need a therapy session right now.

The following are some of the more memorable quotes I’ve received from these completely bat-shit crazy girls. These have been compiled over the years. From way back in high school to present day.

“You last so long in bed. You’re lucky you’re so good, otherwise it would get really boring.”

“Marco you’re so cool, you should have groupies throwing panties at you when you’re walking down the street.”

“I want you to see the shrine I built. It even has a lock of your hair on it.”

“I love you more then life itself…. We should die together.”

“Do you last that long naturally or is that just whiskey dick?”

“I could make you forget your ex ever existed.”

“My boyfriend thinks I’m at church.”

“You’re awesome, you’re like Vodka but better.”

“You know, you’re like a drug, and I’m hooked.”

“You Latinos are too smooth. You always get me in trouble.”

“Every time I go to your house I just want to sit on your face.”

“I want you to fuck me like you’ve been in jail for 10 years.”

“Your guitar is right, guitar players do finger better.”

“Oh Marco, you’re a god.”

Well, I’m definitely not a god but I did work my ass off to get the nickname “Demon Child.” Demon or God? You decide. There’s flattering and not so flattering ones. There’s the ones I’m still cool with and the ones that make me want to curse that whole rib stealing gender to hell. Still single ladies. Send pics to marconieves@me.com Make sure they’re recent and not touched up. I need to pre-evaluate, and please don’t babble on with your whore logic.

January 2011:

There’s something most people don’t know about me. Something most people, especially the guys I know probably don’t want to know about me. But I’m going to tell you anyway. It’s pretty relevant to the story after all. I am a leaner. No, I don’t mean I’m some crazy anorexic dude. It also don’t mean I go both ways… GOD NO! My member, is crooked. He leans to the left. Some girls don’t even notice this at first. Some girls see it and go completely googly eyed over it. And some girls just don’t quite know what to make of it.

In January, I ran into this girl I hadn’t seen in years. An old friend from way back in the day. I know some women that have aged like milk. She was definitely not one of them. This woman aged like fine wine. One look at her and my leaner was at full salute. This is definitely not how I remembered her…but…I’LL TAKE IT!

We decided to catch up. She wasn’t busy that day, and neither was I. So I blew off a friend of mine and had dinner with her at one of my favorite places, Black Iron Burger. We had fun, she was definitely just as cool of a person as I remember her. Some conversation and a few drinks later and she starts giving me her “I want to fuck you eyes.” This combined with old favorites like laughing into my shoulder, a lot of flirty touching and you know exactly where this was headed. Up to this point it was pretty standard hook up affair. She got closer and I put my arm around her. I smelled her hair and begin slightly testing her, to see if she’s ready to be kissed. All signs pointed to yes. So I kissed her and we began making out. I like to perform, but I love that restaurant, I don’t want to get kicked out. So I invited her back to my place. Which as hook up luck would have it, is on the same block.

We got back to my place after walking a hot and heavy quarter block from Black Iron. We crashed into my apartment, which nearly gave the cat a heart attack, multiple times. Once we finally got on the bed, we started taking each other’s clothes off. She’s was going at me pretty aggressively. Which I like, a woman in control is extremely sexy (take note ladies). She got my pants off and gave me a hand job while making out with me. She began to tease me by going down on my member. I love getting head so I’m happy as a pig in shit at this point. She finally lays her eyes on my member and she stopped.

It took me a few seconds to notice the confused look on her face. She struggled to coming up with the proper technique for putting it in her mouth. She leaned her head to the left a few times. Angled her mouth, but still can’t quite wrap her head around how to continue. I saw this and I couldn’t help it, so I just started to laugh.

Confused Girl: “What’s wrong with it?”

Me: “Nothing, that’s just how I was born.”

Confused Girl: “I’ve never seen one like this.”

Me: “If you keep on you’re never going to see one like this again. Just put it in your mouth.”

Confused Girl: “How?”

Me: “It’s pretty simple actually. You just open up and start sucking.”

Confused Girl: “The same way as normal?”

I grabbed her by the hair and pushed her face into my crotch. She’s actually a pretty quick learner once she applied herself. I never knew having a leaner could confuse someone so much. Almost made me want to just tell her to leave. Keyword being almost.

April 2011:

I was on my way to work one day, which I had woken up late, was cranky and really needed some food. So I stopped by a McDonalds on the way to work. This particular McDonalds has a 24 hour window right on the sidewalk. When I’m cranky, I am absolutely, totally, allergic to people. So I used the window. As I’m standing there and this hobo began to talk to me. He tried to get friendly and put his arm around me, I shoved it off. After annoying me for a while, he asked me for some money. Normally, hobos ask for spare change, whatever you can spare. He asked for a few dollars. I don’t have a few dollars. I just had enough to last me through the night, so I told him no. He left, and I pay for my order. After that, he comes back over.

Hobo: “You just pulled out like 50 dollars you can’t spare any?”

Me: “I didn’t pull out 50 dollars I pulled out what I had.”

So he kept on bitching and moaning as I waited for my order. For fast food, McDonalds really isn’t very fast. Finally, he got me to my breaking point. Not my violence point, but the point where I’m just going to massacre him verbally.

Hobo: “I just saw you pull out like 50 dollars and you’re gonna stand here and deny me? If I was in your situation I’d help you.”

Me: “A) You don’t know my situation. B) You’re making snap judgements and assumptions. C) You’re sticking to your assumptions which are all wrong. You’re making yourself out to be a retard and an asshole! No wonder you’re homeless, you probably infuriated anyone that could actually help you! As a matter of fact, I have an extra burger, but I’m going to give to someone that’s nice and isn’t going to pawn it to go get liquor. Just out of spite, You see that guy on the corner? I’m giving the extra burger to him. Just so you have to watch him eat it. Maybe you should re-evaluate your shitty life. Learn how to act and you might actually get somewhere in life. Take care.

If I hadn’t been so angry, I probably would had pulled out my phone and taken a picture of the look on his face. I gave the extra burger to the hobo on the corner and kept walking. From behind me as I wait for the light, I hear the nice hobo saying something to the other hobo.

Nice Hobo: “I told you you shouldn’t be an asshole. That’s why people don’t like you. Hell, I don’t like you. Treat others as you would like to be treated.”

My work is done, I can walk away happily.

Please feel free to leave comments or thoughts. All comments and thoughts are at risk of being verbally assaulted.