Boobs In Mah Face

Summer 2008

I’ve realized a few things while writing these memoirs about my life recently. One, my tiny ass studio apartment in Manhattan has become party central for everyone I know. Despite the fact that it looks like a clown car by the time the party is started. And two, I have turned down more amazing opportunities with women then most men even get in their lifetimes. Not even counting the opportunities I’ve actually taken. This is one of those stories. Why do I turn down opportunities that most men would jump at? Because I have really high standards, and some minimal amount of morals. Yes, even I have morals, be they weird or whatever. They actually exist. Anyway, on to the actual story.

Summer of 2008 was like a 24/7 party. I worked to pass the time between parties. That is all. Yea sure maybe it had the pleasant side effect of paying my bills, but really it was just to fill up space between partying uncontrollably. Everyone would gather at my place and bring their favorite drinks. We’d always plan on my place being the meeting place and then going somewhere else but we ended up never leaving. It was summer so we’d most often end up partying right in front of my window with my window sill being the bar. I still get asked by people when we’re going to do that again.

One of these get togethers had my friend Sucia come over with her girlfriend, my friend Block, with her cousin (Nutcase), her cousin’s friend (Poser Vamp), a mutual friend of mine and Block’s (Jaws), and some other people that are, forgetful. This was one of those parties where we kept everything inside my apartment for some reason. Block, Nutcase, and Poser Vamp were smoking pot and drinking right from the start. About an hour in Block and Poser Vamp started kissing and making out. Then he passed out. He’s taller then me but a tiny chick can hang more then he can.

A couple of hours after that Sucia begins asking if all of the chicks are straight. I point at Block and say “She’s Bi.” So Block and Sucia start making out right there in front of Sucia’s girlfriend. Which was so weird. But then again neither one of them really keep to the social norms so what the fuck was I thinking? Sucia, Block, and Ass Vanish should get together and write a book about ignoring social norms, personal boundaries, and alienating people. Trust me they’re really good at it. They should be scholars. As the evening progresses things just keep getting weirder and weirder.

Nutcase is calling her boyfriend every two seconds to ask him permission to do things. Apparently one of her fetishes is to be dominated and told what to do. Need I point out all the daddy issues here? No, didn’t think so Sucia’s girlfriend keeps nagging her and telling her she’s an alcoholic. To which I reply “No, she’s a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.” She switches to saying she’s got a drinking problem, and even though I have a million jokes I let her be. Poser Vamp is a completely useless tub of lard on my couch. How do you pass out while a girl that weighs barely over a hundred pounds, and one that probably weighs about 80 out drink your ass? You are an unbelievable failure at life Poser Vamp. I bet your parents are proud.

At one point me and Block are talking and making jokes while sitting next to Poser Vamp’s corpse. All of the sudden she pecks a kiss on my lips. Then apologizes. Then out of nowhere she sticks her tongue down my throat. Just thinking about it now disgusts me because she made out with two people before me, but she made out with a chick right before me so all the guy germs were gone by the time I got there. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. She was a decent kisser if a little sloppy. Nice lips so I didn’t complain. We make out for a little while and then somehow wind up in the bathroom, alone. She actually pisses in front of me while I make a phone call.

Somehow she winds up sitting on the bathroom sink as I stroke her stomach a bit. We end up making out and my hands go upwards and expose her boobs. Which naturally wind up in my mouth. Hey, she has really nice boobs. And if nice boobs are in front of me, I will put them in my mouth. It’s a reflex, just happens automatically. At this point we’re both getting turned on and going at it. She climbs off of the sink and lays on the floor. I get on top as she pulls off her pants and panties. All of the sudden there’s a loud knocking on the door.

Sucia: “Yo, we need to use the bathroom out here!”

Jaws: “Yea, I’m about to piss in my pants!”

Now I realize that I could have told them to go across the street to the bar about 40 feet away from my front door. Or any of the million other places near my place, but for some reason I didn’t. Why? I’m not sure, maybe I didn’t want to take advantage of my friend, even though she is a beautiful girl. Maybe I got cold feet. Maybe I see her too much as a friend now to see her sexually. Maybe, I’m totally insane. All I know is that I pulled up my pants, she did too, and we walked out of the bathroom. Didn’t even kiss the rest of the night. We did sleep together, literally sleep. My arm around her, her holding my hand. Only lasted a little while though. I’m allergic to sleeping at night so I got up and started watching tv. Sometimes, I don’t even understand myself.

Please feel free to leave comments or thoughts. All comments and thoughts are at risk of being verbally assaulted.