My Trip To Albania

December 2010

In early December, I was very busy. Going to school, starting my own business, and working a regular job. One weekend I had off from school and work. I work overnight and have always been a bit of a night owl. On my nights off I still usually don t sleep. I was invited out to a party but, my business partner and I had agreed to a tight deadline on some design work for a client. So I had to skip the party. I was. Told it was a sausage festival anyway so I didn’t mind missing it. After I had finished my work, at about six in the morning my friend Block who had been out partying all night called me to go meet up with her at Odessa Diner a few blocks away from my house. I figured I’d been stuck inside all night so why the hell not?

When I got there, there was a pretty big group of people with her. I was a little surprised but really shouldn t have been knowing her. She’s always surrounded by people. Really cool girl, very cute. So I sit down and we all start shooting the shit. Talked about the partying they d done that night. Talked about my recent breakup. Talked about how overworked I’ve been. Told some rude jokes, we were the loudest ones there. Think about the midnight club at 6 am at a mom and pop diner and you can picture the scene. In this group was like 6 guys (not including me) and 2 girls. Block and this other chick, we’ll call her Albania. I skipped one sausage fest and came to another thanks Block.

Now this girl didn’t exactly stand out to me as being particularly good looking. She was kind of cute but looked way older then her actual age, kind of like she d been used up. Kind of the look someone gets when they’ve done too many drugs in their lifetime. She did seem like a pretty cool girl to talk to though which was her saving grace. I m a guy so of course I checked her out. Again, nothing stood out as particularly attractive, she was kind of cute.

Later that day I went on Facebook. I noticed a status message from my friend Block;  “Just exchanged bras with a hot Albanian chick.”  Now I’d noticed Albania checking me out all through breakfast and so I replied to this status message; “Yea she was pretty cute.”  Low and behold Albania herself responded;  “OMG You guys are too nice. Marco you saw after not sleeping for two days and make up that had been on for 18 hours. If you think that’s cute wait until you see me when I brush my hair.”  Now that was as subtle as a shotgun blast. She may as well have screamed “Hey I wanna fuck you!”  So I responded; “Don’t bother I like em messy.”  AKA “I want to make a mess in your mouth.”

I looked through her Facebook and she had some flattering pictures. Much better then what I’d seen in person. Plus in the pictures on her Facebook she looked like she had a nice body. Didn’t get to see much at the diner. So we started talking, and flirting, I got her number. Played the disapproving male card, which is great because most females default reaction to a disapproving male is to get his approval by sleeping with him. Anyway, I invited her to a party I was having at my place that weekend. She seemed pretty cool even though she most definitely wasn’t the best looking chick I’d been with. She was fuckable.

I was having a tattoo done that night. After a recent break up with a girl that is the only girl that I haven t forgotten after a week. Only breakup where I still care about her greatly. I felt a little down to say the least so I decided to get a tattoo that’d remind me of how awesome I am in case I ever forget. I got a hamsa sitting atop of a lotus flower. Google it if you want the meaning. After I got the tat I went to the bathroom to wash it off. Albania followed me in there without me knowing and when I turn around she sticks her tongue down my throat. Then walks back out. I was a little surprised but wished it was more.

Things progressed that night to the point that we were making out, dry humping, and getting her boobs in my mouth right there on the couch in front of everyone at the party. That is one thing about me…I like to perform. If there had been enough room on that couch I would have ripped off her clothes and gone at her right there. But that would have involved having sex on top of other people, and I’m sure those people didn’t want to be involved in my coitus. And I definitely didn’t want them involved either. So we waited until everyone left. Then we went at it like we’d been in jail for 10 years. She was good, definitely made up for her looks in the sack.

This went on for a while, including me fingering her while her drunk friend was passed out under her. Going at it in her living room with her sisters in the house. Her choking me, me biting her, going at it like wild animals. It was as violent as shark sex. We had some good shark sex. She got sick at my house during one of the snow storms. I had to go out in the storm and buy medication. I get back in the house and throw the medication at her.

Me: “I hate you.”

I take off my coat.

Me: “Take that shit, hurry up and get better so you can get out! I’m not going out in that again!”

She stayed at my house for four damn days getting better. Taking turns watching 30 Rock and riding me. By this time all her so called cool had run out. It was good sex so I didn t kick her sick ass out. Instead I took her to the emergency room and sent her home. It wasn’t long after that, that I stopped even trying to make good conversation. And soon after she txted me ending things. She wasn’t my girlfriend how the hell does that work!? Anyway, I wanted to have at least one last hurrah in the sack, so I said my piece, she said hers, done and over. My only response was ok. Because I didn t give a flying fuck to be honest.

A week later I hear that she started fucking my friend Block’s boyfriend. Furthermore I heard that the two of them were making fun of me. I didn’t give a flying fuck about it ending, got a phone book a mile long with contact info for a ton of willing hotties. But a Male Bitch making fun of me for being more of a man then he’ll ever be and screwing over my friend sent me over the top. Hell no you’re not getting away with that. If the stupid cunt hadn t blocked me I d tell her exactly how it was.

Hun, I hope you’re reading this. Because you need to come down a notch. You are WAY overestimating your worth in my life. I’ve been with and am still getting women a MILLION times better looking then you. The only thing you ever were, was KIND OF cute. Your only saving grace was that for five seconds I thought you were cool. Once you proved me wrong on that what exactly did you have to offer me? Mental problems and saggy boobs? Yea no thanks, I’ll pass on the anorexic coke head look. Not attractive in the least. I’m sorry that I was a real man and you couldn’t get me to bend to your will. I hope you and the Male Bitch you’re fucking now are having fun. Did he tell you about the time Block shoved a dildo up his ass? She told us that story. He probably asked you to do it too huh? In short, Hun, go back to the hole you crawled out of because in the end, all you were to me was meat. I had a replacement that night, and she was actually hot, unlike you. Hope you have fun. Oh and you can send the Male Bitch after me if you want but that threat is as laughable as the Albanian army threatening to take over the world.

 Please feel free to leave comments or thoughts. All comments and thoughts are at risk of being verbally assaulted.

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