What The Hell Happened To My Pants!?

Way back in 2009, you know those pre-historic times. I was invited by my friend Sucia to a pool party in Jamaica Queens. It was me, Ass Vanish, Sucia, our friend Dwarf (She’s really short), and some other chick, we’ll call her High (All she did all night was smoke pot). We all met up at my place except for High, we met up with her out in Jamaica. Sucia bought a bottle of Vodka supposedly to take to the party but we broke into it right there at my place while we were waiting for directions to get to the party. The original plan was for Ass Vanish to drive us out to Jamaica but by the time it came time to leave we were all buzzed and normally that wouldn’t stop Ass Vanish from driving but he was driving on a suspended license at the time (that is a whole story onto itself).

Once we got the directions we decided that Ass Vanish couldn’t drive so we’d take the subway. We brown bagged Sucia’s vodka and headed off to the subway station. On the way to the subway we were being very loud, obnoxious drunks. At one point I saw Ass Vanish checking out some chick so naturally I tried to get her attention.

Me: “Hey, my friend wants to pet you!”

To my surprise she actually turned around and looked. I point at Ass Vanish and he immediately face palms. She frowns and keeps on walking so I decided to scream some more.

Me: “What if I wanted to pet you!?”

She smiles but keeps walking towards the club she was going to.

Me: “Fine but I could make your vagina do jumping jacks!”

Just as I screamed that another chick was walking by and looks at me as she laughs.

Me: “That’s right you heard me.”

We get to the subway, we have about a 15 minute wait before the train shows up and then we’re on our way to the pool party. As we’re on the way to the pool party Sucia has the bright idea that we should all start chugging vodka on the subway. So that what we do. Each of us start chugging and we keep chugging and being loud and belligerent until two things happened. A) Nobody wanted to be in the same subway cart we were in and B) The vodka ran out. Once we got into Jamaica we met up with High and we took a cab to the pool party.

When we got to the pool party things looked promising because w saw a ton of food and all started salivating. But all the excitement died (at least for me) when we got to the pool area where everyone was hanging out. We walk in with high hopes (I know I wanted to find a good drunken hookup), but when we looked around all of our faces dropped at the same time. Every girl there weighed like 300 hundred pounds. Except for two that is. One was 500 pounds and the other looked like Gonzo. That’s right, the blue muppet with the big nose. I thought Sucia and Dwarf might start using that thing to have lesbian sex with each other. Ass Vanish, Dwarf, and Sucia trying to make the best of a bad situation, strip down to their bathing suits and jump in the pool. Nobody was in there when we got there. This is a pool party?

Ass Vanish caught the attention of Shamu who immediately follows him into the pool. When she jumped in I swear the earth shook and almost all of the water emptied out of the pool. When I say she weed about 500 hundred pounds I was being polite. It was Shamu and all of her land manatee friends. She was the queen of the sumo wrestlers. Of course I was lucky enough that Gonzo took a liking to me and came over to talk to me. I was by the bar talking to High. It was the only thing I could do, I didn’t exactly know how to get home on my own. If not I would have left.

Gonzo: “Cool party huh?”

Me: “I don’t know, I feel like the overwhelming weight might create a crater right under us. And then we’re all fucked.”

Gonzo: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Are you blind? Everyone here except you, me, and my friends weighs a ton.”

Gonzo chuckles a little bit. Not my intention at all.

Gonzo: “It’s not so bad. Look, that guy over there is kind of in shape.”

Me: “And why the fuck would I care about a guy? I’m looking for a cute chick but I don’t see any.”

Gonzo: “Oh my god you’re so mean.”

She says that while laughing into my shoulder. You don’t have to be a scholar to see where this is headed.

Me: “I mean look at Shamu over there chasing my friend. He wouldn’t touch her with a prosthetic dick.”

Gonzo: “I can’t believe you just said that, that’s my best friend.”

Me: “And that somehow makes her less fat? Maybe if you were actually good looking I’d be a little nicer to her so I could get in your pants, but you’re not. Where’s the hot girls!?”

Gonzo: “You just ruined your chances with one.”

Me: “Other then your ass being the one redeeming feature on you, on a scale of one to ten I’d shoot myself in the fucking face before touching you.”

She storms off angrily and I pat myself on the back for alienating yet another person in my life. High comes back over smoking some pot. I keep drinking. By this time Ass Vanish is pretty drunk, yet still in the pool being chased by Shamu. The DJ at the party hands him an Incredible Hulk, if you don’t know what that is, google it! Ass Vanish chugs most of it. Gives it back to the DJ throws his hands up in the air and screams “PARTY!” He then passes out…INSIDE THE DAMN POOL! Dwarf was in the pool with him and she grabs him and brings him over to the ladder out of the pool. Me and Sucia help her get him out of the pool and sit him on a bench nearby.

We all decide that this is the best time to drown our sorrows in food and so we go and grab some food. As we’re eating we look over at the bench we left Ass Vanish at and he is no where to be found. So we begin frantically searching for Ass Vanish. Not because we’re worried but because we all know how big of a jack ass Ass Vanish can be when he’s drunk. We are happily eating, and we don’t want to get kicked out of the party before we finish our food.  Me and Sucia notice that Shamu is missing as well. We search for twenty minutes before Sucia finds him inside the house…PISSING on the damn walls! She brings him back out and he is barely able to walk. He isn’t wearing anything except for his boxers. Can you put two and two together? A missing whale, a missing Ass Vanish, and missing clothes. I don’t wanna think about it. We got kicked out of the party.

We try to walk to the bus stop and at this point the rest of us are babysitting the guy wearing nothing but his boxers and a girl’s t-shirt, and Sucia. Neither of them can walk without assistance. At one point I got so frustrated that I literally just drop Ass Vanish and he goes crashing to the concrete. We finally get to the bus, only to get kicked out because of the two drunk assholes with us. Dwarf and High literally abandoned me because they had to go do whatever it is dykes do. And here’s the thing, I may be one of the biggest assholes on the planet, but I always stand by my friends and loved ones. After that night, I “loved” Ass Vanish and Sucia a whole lot less. They both pass out on a public sidewalk in their own vomit and Ass Vanish wearing only boxers.

I wake them both up sometime around 5 in the morning by slapping Ass Vanish, and kicking Sucia in the ass. Ass Vanish, still drunk, begins crying. Literally sobbing and screaming at me.

Ass Vanish: “We’re done man! Me and you are over!”

Me: “Dude, shut the fuck up. I’m not your girlfriend you can’t break up with me. Now stop acting like a bitch, be a man and let’s get home. Or at least back to my place.”

He actually stands up by pulling himself up with the aide of a lamppost. Sucia slowly crawls up the side of a laundromat. She takes a few steps and falls on her face into the street. I finally get them both walking. Sucia begins arguing with me now.

Sucia: “How could you let that black guy hit me? I thought you had my back.”

Me: “That wasn’t a black guy that was the floor.”

Sucia “No, a black guy assaulted me and you just stood there and watched. You let that black guy hit me.”

Me: “We left all the black guys at the party. The floor hit you because you have the equilibrium of a 6 month old right now.”

Ass Vanish is walking about ten feet behind us and all of the sudden we hear him scream.

Ass Vanish: “What the fuck happened to my pants!?”

About 3 hours later, and lots of stares at the man wearing only his boxers, we were back at my place. Where I finally got some sleep after they sobered up a little and I kicked them out of my house.

Please feel free to leave comments or thoughts. All comments and thoughts are at risk of being verbally assaulted.