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I have a group of friends that I just have the stupidest conversations I’ve ever had with. Iron Mike, Him, Church, The Murderer, and Evil Twin. While they’re not all necessarily part of the same group, they all have a knack for saying outlandish shit. It’s never random, and there’s more often than not a definite victim, it might be ridicule, our own special brand of compliment, or just sheer stupidity for the sake of stupidity. Here’s some of my favorite excerpts that are not necessarily attached to any good stories. They just kind of happened through the natural process of guy talk. I shall now unleash them onto you;
Compact:
Me and my friend Him, the same guy from the “Drunk Jesus” story were talking about a girl. For some reason I like girls that are small but curvy. Small is good just as long as they’re not anorexic looking. We were talking about a girl he caught me flirting with.
Him: “She’s so compact dude.”
Me: “But oh my god she’s got such a nice body. She got such great curves.”
Him: “She’s like a VW Beetle.”
Rub Her In Her Face:
Me: “I’m totally going to sleep with her friend and rub her in her face.”
Him: “You should do that literally. Like have them both over and get them both naked, and rub her in her face.”
Me: “You’ve got a sick mind bro, but I like it.”
Him: “No, I’ve just done it before.”
The Entourage:
I met up with Alcoholica one day and I guess she was surprised that I didn’t have a gaggle of people with me that night. It was just me and her.
Alcoholica: “Where’s your usual entourage?”
Me: “What usual entourage?”
Alcoholica: “You always have a bunch of people with you.”
Me: “I can’t help it if I’m popular. I’m a lovable guy.”
Alcoholica: “No you’re not, you’re an asshole.”
Me: “You jerk.”
Alcoholica: “You’re an asshole and I’m a bitch, that’s why you like me.”
Special Powers:
As I was writing this post, I had to text Iron Mike because I have a horrible memory and needed a refresher on the events of the broken hearts excerpt. After he gave me the rundown we kept texting a little more, here’s the text messages:
Me: “I wish Church had as a good a memory as you do. On our way to meet up with the girls we had a hilarious conversation that I wish I could include in this post.”
Me: “Then when we got there we had them laughing. Like crazy too.”
Iron Mike: “He doesn’t remember?”
Me: “He was drunk so he couldn’t remember, and I only remember when I get drunk.”
Iron Mike: “Alcohol gives you special powers.”
Me: “I’m like Popeye and Alcohol is my spinach.”
The Bet:
Me and Evil Twin have started our own graphic and web design and development company. We were talking about some possible talent we wanted to bring in. One of these people had us wondering what other talents she might have.
Evil Twin: “So what about this Mutt chick? Dude she’s hot, I want to work with her just because of that.”
Me: “She’s definitely hot, and I wouldn’t mind having her under my desk during a meeting, but she’s a ticking time bomb.”
Evil Twin: “How so?”
Me: “Dude she broke down and started crying during class.”
Evil Twin: “What!? Why!?”
Me: “Our teacher gave her some constructive criticism.”
Evil Twin: “You’re kidding me, that’s it?”
Me: “Yea dude that’s it. What’s going to happen when she works with a couple of assholes like us? I’m already calming down my attitude for the business. I don’t think I could calm it down anymore.”
Evil Twin: “Dude, I bet I could make her cry first.”
Me: “No way! I can crack her.”
Evil Twin: “You can crack a lot of vaginas but I’m talking about making her cry here.”
Me: “Dude, I got this.”
Evil Twin: “No way, I’m a way bigger asshole.”
Me: “Maybe when it comes to business, but when it comes to personal life I got you beat.”
Evil Twin: “And this is business!”
Me: “Business can get personal.”
Evil Twin: “Anyone we work with is off limits!”
Me: “You were just talking about her being hot! Besides personal can mean…other things.”
Evil Twin: “You couldn’t even finish that sentence dude.”
Demon Child And Demon Mama:
At my job there’s an older lady that I get along with. We’ve tortured each other, shared stories, and she gave me my nickname, Demon Child. I in turn named her my surrogate Demon Mother. One day at work as the day shift was leaving, she watched as I flirted with one girl, checked out a second, ran into a third, and flirted with a fourth. When I was done I noticed her watching me. An evil half grin formed on my face and she just shook her head.
Demon Mama: “Marco you’re young and full of come and you just want to spread it everywhere.”
Me: “Would you expect anything less out of your Demon Child?”
Demon Mama: “How many of these girls are you going to see this weekend?”
Me: “I can’t give away all my secrets. That wouldn’t be very demonly of me.”
Now Introducing:
My friend The Murderer tends to try and make fun of me by coming up with tons of different nicknames for me. Little does he know they actually entertain me.
“Marco, you are a human stripper pole.”
“Marco is a vibrating panty.”
“Here’s Marco, the human tampon, he’s always in someone’s pussy.”
“This is the God King Xerxes”
“You are the reason for the morning after pill.”
My favorite is Human Stripper Pole. I can live with that.
Abbot and Costello:
Me and my friends Block, Jaws, Church, and Krista went out to a bar one night. While I enjoy their company, I definitely did not enjoy the bar. All I saw as far as the eye can reach were Guidos, Land Manatees and women that resembled Olive Oil from the Popeye cartoons. In one corner there were two women that resembled Abbot and Costello, in another corner, were Laurel and Hardy, Shamu over here and a wet Chihuahua over there, and well you get the picture. Church went out to get a smoke and I went out with him because I needed fresh air. Or I’m addicted to second hand smoke, either way, I wanted to get away.
Church: “You seemed anxious to get out of that bar.”
Me: “Dude, the women there were all either overweight or anorexic. It’s like ‘Hun, can I suck some fat out of your stomach and put it in her ass?’”
Let’s Offend Everyone:
Me, Ass Vanish, Church, had just left Chipotle. We were waiting for the bus to arrive when I saw a girl that was insanely skinny.
Me: “Oh my god dude, it’s Skeletor. Look at how fucking skinny she is.”
Church: “Mam, you want a burger?”
Me: “Maybe twenty?”
Church: “Actually she looks like she’s allergic to food. We can try to feed her but she’ll probably just throw it up anyway. Bulimic fail.”
According to Ass Vanish another freakishly skinny woman overheard and was giving us dirty looks until she finally left. I don’t care that I offended you Hun. As a matter of fact if I had seen you giving me a dirty look I probably would have laughed in your underfed face.
The Many Hearts You’ve Broken:
Me and Iron Mike were at work. I accidentally drop and break a cup.
Iron Mike: “Have you broken anything else lately?”
Me: “Just hearts.”
Iron Mike picks up a shard of the broken cup.
Iron Mike: “Like the many hearts you’ve broken all that’s left is a shard. You’re the reason they become come guzzling sluts who view planned parenthood as a second home.”
Me: “So it’s my fault and not the daddy issues?”
Iron Mike: “It starts with the daddy issues but you push them over the edge.”
Like A Woman:
Me and my friend Ally (Derived from her middle name) were texting each other back and forth. She was giving me advice on some stuff. She’s one of the few people who I trust to give me advice.
Ally: “Well you’re going to have to do the gay thing that we talked about and compliment her.”
Me: “Damn, is that really my only way out? I’m kind of allergic to that stuff.”
Ally: “Yes, but don’t apologize because you don’t know what you’re apologizing for and she will ask.”
Me: “I never apologize. I’m like a woman, I just make them see it was all their fault in the first place.”
Please leave comments, love, hate, death threats, love to hear them all.
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