How To Be Bad Ass

Spring 2009:

Two Latinos walk into a bar. No, that’s not the start of a bad joke, that’s actually how my night started one day in the spring of 2009. It was a nice night, almost summer like. The kind if night where people throw their inhibitions to the wind. Short skirts and low cut tops a-plenty. So of course when my friend Ass Vanish called me being the stereotypical walking hormone that he is, I wasn’t surprised. I was not surprised at all. 

Ass Vanish: “Dude, chicks dude! Let’s go get some chicks!”

Me: “Why do you make it sound like shopping? Like we could go to K-Mart and buy some chicks.”

Ass Vanish: “Chicks dude, chicks!”

Me: “I heard you, you raving lunatic!”

Ass Vanish: “CHICKS!”

Me: “And what about the part where you’re a complete idiot!?”

Ass Vanish: “Whatever dude, I’ll be at you place in an hour with a bottle.”

Me: “Ok.”

Now that call was just slightly annoying, but he offered a bottle so I accepted. I didn’t know how exactly a bottle at my place would help us get some chicks but I’ll go with it. In my crazy world, liquor and chicks seem to go together a lot of times. Some of the time, to my own detriment. As much as I love women, I’ll be the first to admit, they get me into a lot of trouble. 

I knew that despite bringing a bottle to my house, Ass Vanish was definitely going to make me go out to some bar to try and pick up chicks. So I showered and got myself ready. Now with Ass Vanish it’s always a crap shoot going out with him. Sometimes you get the overbearing and annoying guy, sometimes you get the cool, smooth Latino that’s actually good with women. Either version always ignores social boundaries and throws caution to the wind, not to mention pisses off a lot of people. Minus the annoying you have someone that’s a lot like me. Maybe that’s why even despite all the negatives, I still hang out with him. He has his good qualities, and we both tend to be pretty unpredictable. 

He gets to my house and we start the night by playing video games for shots. “Motorstorm: Pacific Rift” to be exact. Loser of each race takes a shot. Once we had about 8-10 shots of vodka each, we thought it might be a good time to go out and assault the public with our asshole personalities. So we left my place and began walking through the East Village looking for a place that might look cool to hang out at. On our way we saw these two girls walking in front of us. He nudged me and pointed, I did not like what I saw. 

Me: “Miss, can I please buy you a burger…or ten? Because damn you need it.”

Her: “What an asshole.”

Me: “So?”

Ass Vanish: “What. He just wants to take you to dinner.”

Me: “And when I do I’m making sure you don’t go vomit in the bathroom. We need some food to actually stay inside. I like ‘em with a a little meat on their bones.”

Ass Vanish: “Are you saying the Lindsay Lohan wannabe isn’t healthy enough for you?”

Me: “I’ve seen anorexics and vegans that look healthier.”

Mortified they crossed the street. We laughed and kept walking towards our unknown destination. We see some dude walking down the street with a hot chick. He’s on the phone, she looks bored. 

Ass Vanish: “Dude you got a hot chick right next to you. Get off the phone and pay her some attention numb nuts!”

I start laughing, so does the girl, the guy, not so amused. 

Me: “I’ll pay attention to you!”

She looks back, and he grabs her hand. Count of people offended: 2, and just in the first ten minutes of the night. Things are getting fun already. I see this girl with a really great body wearing tiny shorts ahead of us. She turns and her face scares me nearly half to death. Still looking at her, our eyes meet. My jaw drops, I compose myself long enough for words to form. 

Me: “Oh my god.”

She gives me her best coquettish smile. 

Me: “Your are NOT cute at all.”

Ass Vanish can’t even speak. He nearly falls over laughing. She gives me the finger as she walks past us. 

People Offended: 3

We get to bar that has a 5 shots of anything for ten dollars deal so we get on line to get in. As we’re waiting some girl tries to squeeze by Ass Vanish, she gets through and stands next him. He looks at me and winks. 

Ass Vanish: “She just grabbed my ass.”

Ass Grabber: “No I didn’t.”

She looked shocked, but was still laughing with him and hitting his shoulder, and obviously into him. They flirt for a little bit and he ends up getting her phone number. I realize this means I’m behind. I decide I don’t care. We get into the bar and order 15 shots. We split them, they are gone within 5 minutes. 

At this time I notice this really cute girl across from me. We meet eyes and she smiles, I smile back. Ass Vanish goes to the bathroom so I take the opportunity. I signal her to come over with my finger. 

Me: “I knew if I fingered you, you’d come.”

She gasps and laughs at the same time. We talk for a few minutes and she gives me her phone number. I see Ass Vanish coming and knowing his ability for disaster I shoo her away despite the fact that he was doing good that night. We each got a few more phone numbers that night, but because of the fact that I live in a studio and we really have no interest in watching each other have sex, we didn’t bring anyone back with us. Drinks; drunk, chicks; gotten, people; offended, and money; spent. 

So we began walking back to our place. We’ve both drank a ton, but at this point I realize that Ass Vanish has completely lost it. He is completely wasted. Stumbling and mumbling. He can’t talk or walk straight. We see a group of about 5 or 6 ghetto guys being rowdy. Now I know alcohol does a lot of things to people, but I never knew that one of the side effects was making a person super human. He decides to go and talk shit to the 5 or 6 ghetto guys. 

He walks up to the group and at this point I’m weighing my options. I am afraid of no man, but Ass Vanish is so drunk he can’t stand let alone fight. That leaves me, by myself. At best 5 against 1. Should I call the ambulance now, or wait until someone finds our bodies and let them call? They were pretty confrontational right from the beginning. 

He ends up getting himself punched about 5 times and to his credit he took their best punches and didn’t go down. I saw this and sprang into action, I just wanted to pull him out of there for his safety. So I took him down in some kind of impromptu judo throw. I’ve done martial arts training before, but judo wasn’t one of them so this surprised even me. I landed with my knee on his neck holding him by his collar screaming at him. Yes… I took down my own friend, what choice did I have? I start screaming obscenities at him with my knee still on his throat and him chocking. 

Me: “See! What did I fucking tell you, you stupid son of a bitch! I should beat that fucking shit out of you for them you piece of shit!”

At this point I completely sobered up, and I realized,”Hey there are still 5 or 6 angry ghetto guys behind you Marco.” So, still holding down my friend I look behind me and they’re running away. The scene completely shocked me. I almost wanted to scream at them,”Hey! Where are you guys going!? You outnumber me!” But I didn’t. 

I helped Ass Vanish off the ground and we walked home. He passed out on my floor while I stayed up watching TV. Adrenaline kept me awake the rest of that night until he woke up and I threw him out. I sent some text messages to some of the girls I’d met and then, adrenaline finally spent, I went to bed.

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