Oh My God Marco, They're Going To Rape Us

June 2011:

Sometimes stupid things happen. Even to smart people. You can’t explain it, you can’t stop it, it just happens. You can either choose to be bitter about it and sulk, whine, bitch, or moan. Or you can laugh it off and keep going with your life. I prefer laughing at it and keeping it moving. Life is too short to dwell and it won’t stop for needless self pity. My friend Church is one of the smartest and funniest friends I have. Whenever we get together it’s always a blast, even if all we’re doing is sitting around the house talking. The conversation is always guaranteed to be interesting and hilarious. Friday June 3rd was one such night. As happens so often I overbooked myself with various engagements. Then to top it off I had extra plans just fall on my lap. I had been talking to this girl for a while we’ll call her Bacon. She seemed like a pretty cool girl. If you know me you know this is important to me. I can go out to any place, any time of day and find a beautiful girl to talk to. Beautiful girls are a dime a dozen, but a beautiful girl with a good personality, that’s hard to find. Or maybe it’s just because I’m always attracted to the crazy ones. Anyhow, me and Church were sitting around hanging out, drinking and playing video games while waiting for some more friends to show up when Bacon texts me out of no where. The last time I’d heard from her was the week earlier. She waited a whole week to text me back. Again if you know me you know that this will not stand. Marco puts up with this treatment from no one! So of course I respond in a way only Marco would. Me: “Wow it’s been so long I forgot I even texted you. You see now you’re ruining your chances with me.” Bacon: “Oh my god you are so funny. What are you doing?” I told her I was waiting for some friends and she ended up inviting me out to meet up with her and her friend. I live nearby to where they were, so me and Church (The only friend who wasn’t late) went out to meet up with them. I should probably preface this by saying that, that day I woke up and just immediately started drinking with Church. No food or anything, just straight to alcohol. Remember what I said about stupid things happening to smart people? This is the first but not the last stupid thing that happened that day. We met up with them at some bar/restaurant. I got there and did what I always do, acted like I’d known her my whole life and walked right up, put my arm around her. Church and me wasted no time in acting a fool and drinking…more. Needless to say we had them laughing most of the night. Conversation was pretty cool considering Bacon’s friend didn’t know much English and Church doesn’t know Spanish. Despite the slight language barrier a good time was had all around.

The minute we got there these girls started egging us on, and doing everything they could to make us drink even more than we were already. It got to the point where I turned to Bacon and asked her “Are you trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me?” She looked me dead in the eye and sharply and bluntly responded “Yes” and gave me another drink. I had my own drink, was taking sips of hers, and now she put another one in front of me. Now what do I do? Of course I climb the mountain. I drink them all. At this point the girls both go to the bathroom. I look over at Church and he looks like a lost puppy, a deer in headlights, like he’d just seen a ghost. He looks back at me and says in a high pitched voice. Church: “Oh my god Marco they’re going to rape us!” I couldn’t even muster a response. I almost died laughing at him. I couldn’t believe he was serious. Now maybe the fact that he was dead drunk, and was still trying to deal with his own love life, mixed into some kind of delirium and I should have been more sensitive but I couldn’t help but laugh. I’m sorry Church if I had said that to you, you would have died laughing at me too. That is quote of the year material. Me: “Dude they’re tiny compared to us. Just put your hand on her forehead her tiny arms won’t reach you.” Church: “They’re going to rape us Marco! I don’t want to be raped!” Marco: “Even if that was a possibility, they’re cute! I can think of worse things!” Church: “No dude I don’t want to be raped!” Now at this point I could feel my face contorted into a mash-up of equal parts disbelief, shock, and holding back tears of laughter. If Ass Vanish is the Harry Houdini of vagina, at that point of drunkenness Church had turned into the David Copperfield of pussy. I managed to calm him down and reassure him that the two cute but very short chicks were indeed not going to rape us just before they came back to rejoin our party, but his attitude for the night had taken an inevitable and persistent downhill turn. He never recovered that night.

We all left the bar and Bacon, her friend, and I were carrying on as normal, having fun, Church withdraws. At one point that night I say something that shocks both girls, I forget what it was. Then I turned away and acted like it wasn’t me. As I’m looking away all of the sudden I feel a hand in my hand. Now it feels way too smooth to be Church’s (thank god), so I turn and it’s Bacon (again, thank god). Now I’ve held hands with girls before, it’s nothing new, I’m not in preschool “Oh my god it’s a girl’s hand!” but the thing that stands out is the way she did it. She did it like she was ultimately comfortable with me. Like holding my hand was second nature to her. Maybe it’s my fear of commitment speaking here but as nice as her hand was it kind of freaked me out. Not that I wouldn’t hold her hand again. She has nice hands. She’s a cool and good looking girl, just have to try and not be all “Push her away now Marco.” Either way Church’s attitude eventually made them leave. Damn you David Copperfield, damn you. I got home to a packed house and passed out on my bed with a packed house. I woke up at about 5 in the morning to a still packed house! Don’t you people ever leave!? Oh my god Church they’re going to rape us! Please leave comments, love, hate, death threats, love to hear them all.