Sleight of Mouth: The Art of Jackassery

Note: Sorry for the lack of pictures in this post. Usually I like sprinkling my posts with pretty things to look at but I wrote and posted this entry completely on my iPad so it's pretty hard to add in pictures. I had so much fun with the other one I did of these that I decided to do it again. This is man talk, asshole chatter, jackass conversations at their finest. Just some of my favorite excerpts from various situations that don't quite make for complete stories on their own but they're definitely worth it just for the laughs. W&M: I was text messaging with my friend Nox about a girl he was trying to get with. Nox: "I'm taking your advice. I'm not thinking straight enough to take my own advice." Me: "Wow dude, she's got you like that?" Nox: "She whispered me!" Me: "Well at least you'd gotten whispered before. The whole reason we even came up with the term whisperer is because it had never happened to me before. This was my first time, and she did it raw and without lube. It was painful.” After he finished laughing his ass off he responded. Nox: "But for some weird reason you enjoyed it." Me: "I'm kind of a masochist, the fact that I spent 5 years with Queen Bitch should have tipped you off. That relationship was like getting beat in the face with a tire iron for five years." Pet Names: A day later I was texting Nox about the girl that I'm now seeing. Me: "She gives me these pet names and it makes me want to just push her away. But she's just too hot." Nox: "She's not too hot, they're never too hot. You deserve it." Me: "Too hot to push away not too hot for me you fucking wuss. No girl is too hot for me. I'm Marco Nieves, I am fucking awesome." All Girls: On the way to the airport to catch my flight home from Puerto Rico in July of 2011, I had a very interesting conversation with my cousin Lucy. I was texting a girl that I was rapidly becoming closer with. And Lucy, being one of the few people in my life that I actually feel comfortable sharing my emotions and life with, was naturally looking in on the conversation. The girl sent me a txt calling herself a princess and gorgeous. Lucy: "Don't validate her, bring her down a notch. Never validate her, make her work for it." Me: "I know, I was about to." She sends me another text that I don't respond to. Lucy: "You're an asshole, you know what you're doing by not responding." Me: "I'm just gathering my thoughts." Lucy: "Don't lie to me. You know exactly what you're doing by not responding to her. Every girl has daddy issues. Even if they have a good relationship with their dads. And they want to feel accepted by a man. So by not responding that's just going to make her want you more. I don't know how you did it but you've gotten to a point where you understand women, and you use it to your advantage." Me: "I don't know what you're talking about." Then fate throws me a life line. The conversation comes to an abrupt end when the wheel on the car goes flat. But it doesn't just go flat, it exploded into shreds of beautiful destruction. Nice exclamation point on the save fate. I applaud you. Oh Fuck: I was hanging out with some friends, having a good time and drinking. As happens so often I was asked to tell one of “my stories.” I told one about one of my hookups, this was the reaction. Church: “Marco, you're like Tucker Max but with a conscience.” Me: “Oh fuck, I think it's time to re-evaluate my life.” Church: “But the conscience is the only reason we love you.” And then I took a big swig of whiskey. In Your Mouth: My friend him and I were working in the same section at work. He had some music playing from his Pandora app on his phone. Iron Mike came over and asked what it was. Him could only explain what it was based on, such is the nature of Pandora. Then Him started going off on the music. Him: “You know what this music reminds me of? It’s like one of those night where you're at a club, and you're really drunk, and it's really late, and you just don't want to go home yet...” Me: “And then all of the sudden there’s a chick in your mouth.” Of course everyone looked at me like I was weird. Meanwhile I know for a fact that Him has had many nights like that. 30 Year Old Failure: Ok so it's more like 38 year old failure. This co-worker is 38 give or take a year, has a job but refuses to move out of his parent’s house, dates ridiculously underaged girls, and is always trying to find some warm moist hole to stick his dick into. Let's call him Pedo. I think that is a disturbingly accurate nickname for him. I was talking to my friend Sucia at work some time ago and we were approached by Pedo, most likely because he’d heard our stories of epic drinkage, and probably been witness to one or two. The words that came out of his mouth left me in utter disgust. And this is coming from me, utter disgust is hard to get from me. The dead serious tone he said it in left no room for error, this wasn't some sick joke, it was actually what this guy was thinking. Pedo: “Do you guys know a good liquor to get a girl drunk so she’ll have sex with me?” Me: “Bro, I drink so I can get drunk. Not to take advantage of people. The fact that you need liquor to get laid is pretty sad. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I’m going to go...as far away from you as possible. Actually, yea, you should take that the wrong way.” I didn't stick around to hear what Sucia said to him but the look on her face told me it was nothing positive. Some Time After That: Me: “Dude, Pedo just asked me if me and my girl are doing ok.” Suci: “Uh oh, you know what that means, he’s interested in date raping her.” Me: “No way, 23 is way too old for him. He still picks up his dates at the school yard.” Spoiled Milk: All the ladies better turn away, this one is all about man talk. This conversation was Me and Iron Mike after work. Me: “But you don't understand dude, she used to be hot. Her nickname used to be mini Shakira. Unfortunately she’s aged like milk though.” Iron Mike: “Damn she was that bad back in the day?” Me: “Yea, and the only reason I didn't do anything was because I had a girlfriend at the time. That's why it's dangerous that she’s back. The allure of unfinished business. And she’s still cute even as spoiled milk.” Iron Mike: “Don't do it bro, she’ll make you sick.” Me: “Well at least she’s not like the Giraffe.” Iron Mike: “Yeah, you have to get her off your back. Unless you’re into Giraffes.” Me: “Hell no dude! Bad part is, even as spoiled milk, Mexico The Sequel is still hotter than the giraffe. Can we get her to work with us?” Iron Mike: “That'd get you into too much trouble dude.” Me: “Dude, did I really just compare a girl I'm still attracted to, to spoiled milk!?” I just shook my head and changed the subject. Swag: I was waiting for the bus one day after work. Some guy approached me. Guy: “I like your swag.” I look at him dumbfounded for a second. Not because I don't understand, just because I hate slang. Speak to me in proper English like you actually have a fucking IQ higher than one digit, and even if you don't at least try to fucking fake it. You bastards irritate the hell out of me. I respond obviously sarcastically. Me: “Thanks, I got it at an awards show.” Obviously not understanding my sarcasm he continues. Guy: “No man, your swag, your swag, I like your swag.” Me: “Are you trying to hit on me?” Guy: “Totally.” Me: “I'm straight bro. Just chicks for me.” Guy: “Oh That's cool.” Oh well thanks for giving me permiss ion to be straight you fucking tool. What next? You going to call me a breeder and hiss? Guy: “I'll give you my phone number anyway, you never know how we might be able to help each other.” Me: “Yea, I think I'll pass.” Guy: “Really? Did you really just say no?” Me: “Yea, that's right.” Now at this point I was fighting the urge to completely verbally rape him. But, I was scared he might enjoy that. Guy: “Well us intellectuals...” I just need to interrupt to point out the irony of someone using slang like “swag” calling himself an intellectual. If you are an intellectual, you certainly hide it well. Guy: “We know never to turn down chance to know somebody new. Did you go to college?” Me: “Yea, and I graduated with a 3.9 GPA too.” He looks at me completely dumbfounded. Guy: “You are so fly.” He walks away just before my acid tongue came completely unzipped. Fly? Really!? Fly? Apart from being yet another piece of garbage slang I haven't heard anyone use that since the fucking 80s. If you must be a total fucking tool, at least be a a total fucking tool that lives in the present. Please leave comments, love, hate, death threats, love to hear them all.