I decided it doesn't matter whether it's in chronological order or not. I'm just putting up the stories as I remember them. Right now I'm grouping a few of the shorter stories together into one post. Because they're not big enough to be their own posts. But I'd still like to remember them a few years from now.
March, 2011; Hun you are NOT cute enough to be THAT conceited.
I come in to work, actually in a good mood unlike most of the time at that place. There's a rule at my job, you must always smile and say hello to associates and customers. I was in a good mood and so I decided I should follow the rule. Normally I get along with most people. Most people around here know me and we're all cordial. Put on the smiley face say hi, keep it moving.
I work overnight. Now I pass by this one daytime chick. I should have known by the look on her face she wasn't exactly a sociable person, but I smiled and said hi anyway. She decides to turn her nose up at me and keep it moving. Here's something you have to know about me. When I was growing up I was always the runt, and people tried to pick on me because of it. As a result A) I developed a thick skin, so things usually don't get to me. B) I developed an acid tongue.
For some reason her nose turning, made my mouth run away with itself. "Hun you are NOT cute enough to be THAT conceited." She in return doesn't say anything and just gives me a really dirty look. So I take this to mean that I can bury her. So that's what I do "If I had a face like yours I'd try to make up for it with some sort of a personality." and she storms off angrily. I took that to mean "Job well done."
Early 2008; They're Never Coming Back Here! Ha!
In early 2008 after my breakup with Queen Bitch, me and my friend from work, let's call him Stray (because he is the straightest gay man I have ever met in my life). Anyway, me and Stray took to going out to Good Stuff diner after work in the mornings. We'd have breakfast, shoot the shit, talk about our lives, and make fun of pretty much everything and everyone.
Now I don't know what it was but one of the waitresses, let's call her Emma (because she had eyes like Emma Stone), started taking a liking to us, and me in particular. She began spending more time talking to us then doing her job. Trust me I know the difference between normal waitress tip fishing and real interest. She was a cutie, a bit of a ditz but cute none the less. I could put up with a little ditzyness as long as it doesn't get annoying.
I don't remember the exact conversations, they were funny but unremarkable. She was cute but not gorgeous. But it was fun and I liked the attention so I indulged. One day I'm having lunch with my friend Block (stems from her nickname ...from the block). When all of the sudden Emma comes over to our table crying because she just got fired. Stray had just walked in to join us. I didn't know how to react I'd never gotten anyone fired before. Stray jokingly said "We're never coming back here." Her face lit up and she walked up to her former boss and screamed "They're never coming back here! Ha!" Thanks Emma that's just what I needed a burger with a side of human snot. Yummy!
Fall, 2009; Door To The Face
Not all of my stories are about awesomeness and triumph. Some of them are about sheer stupidity, and idiocy, and any other synonyms you can think of to describe how dumb, and absolutely mindless these stories are about. This is one such story, my friend "Church" will never ever let me forget this one. He thinks it's awesome, I feel differently. I think it was one of my less than awesome moments.
One night I was feeling less than stellar. No one I really wanted to talk to was around. Honestly, I didn't really want to talk to anyone. I usually don't talk to people about my problems. And when people ask I usually change the subject and just say I'm ok. I prefer not to be a winer. I take things on, on my own. That's how I like it. So to deal with what I was feeling at the time I decided that instead of going out and riding bike, or playing guitar like normal, I'd go out to a bar and give random people attitude, and sulk. Sounds like a healthy way to deal with your feelings huh? Nothing noteworthy happened at the bar.
On my way home however, I felt particularly aggressive which is very abnormal for me. I'm usually a laid back guy. I was crossing the street, and yes, I did have the light on my side. I had the right of way. Some guy, I don't know what his problem was, maybe he was drunk driving. He comes around the corner not looking and almost hits me. So I scream at him and flip him off. Now even though this guy was definitely not in the right he flips me off as well and tells me to fuck off. This overwhelming sense of injustice, and rage came over me. I just had to teach this guy a lesson.
Now this is where the stupidity comes into play. I don't know what this guy had in his car, what kind of weapons he might have lying around. A knife, a bat, The Club. Maybe even a gun. It was just stupid. But instead of walking away, I walk over to the driver's side of the car, and all in a few seconds pull the door open and punch him in the face. Now obviously any self-respecting man who just got punched in the face would try to retaliate. So he begins exiting the car, notice I said begins. He never finished exiting the car. No as he tried to exit, I kicked the door as hard as I could and it proceeded to hit him in the face. The last thing I saw was him slumping over in his seat as I walked away. Stupid and regretful. Church...I hate you.
February, 2011; Stinky Pants
Now I'm not going to make it a habit to write about hook ups, but some of them leave a lasting impression to say the least. And usually when you remember them, it's not remembered in a fond way. Point being this hook up with the girl I'll call Stinky Pants. I won't say how I met her out of respect for her privacy. I have to have some limits don't I? I'll humiliate people, piss people off, not care about people's feelings, but I do have my limits. Besides the shit I say usually just comes out because it was the first thing I thought. I'm that guy that everyone knows who's mouth usually gets him into trouble, the difference being that I really don't give a damn.
She wasn't particularly attractive, even though she was cute, and had a nice body. Our personalities weren't exactly a match either, and that's putting it nicely. Anyway, one night in February I was feeling kind of lonely...crazy I know. And with most others I know that'd come over to see me, and hook up, most likely asleep at 5 o'clock in the morning. I txted her.
Me: "Hey, you should come over."
Stinky Pants: "But I'm tired. I was just gonna go home after work."
Me: "But I'm awesome. And you could always just pass out in my bed if you don't annoy me too much."
Stinky Pants: "Ok"
So she came over, and we did our thing. Pretty uneventful, pretty unremarkable. Afterwards she had to go to bathroom, she was polite and asked, and I gave her one of my usual asshole remarks.
Me: "No, I'd rather you shit out here on my bed."
She spent quite a bit of time in there and when she came out I had to use the bathroom so I went in. As soon as I entered the bathroom my nostrils were assaulted by the foul stench of shit and mint. Now, I am not living under the dilution that "girls don't go poopie." But at least most women are nice enough to at least try and mask the smell with something other then toothpaste. Something like, I don't know, actual aerosol maybe?
Me: "Holy shit what did you eat!?"
Stinky Pants: "You're such a gentleman."
Me: "If you wanted a gentleman you're with the wrong guy! Go see a proctologist or something lady!"
Stinky Pants: "I don't have to sit here and take this!"
Me: "No I'm sure you could go ANYWHERE and take this."
Needless to say she left. I never contacted her again.
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Fall, 2009; Door To The Face
Not all of my stories are about awesomeness and triumph. Some of them are about sheer stupidity, and idiocy, and any other synonyms you can think of to describe how dumb, and absolutely mindless these stories are about. This is one such story, my friend "Church" will never ever let me forget this one. He thinks it's awesome, I feel differently. I think it was one of my less than awesome moments.
One night I was feeling less than stellar. No one I really wanted to talk to was around. Honestly, I didn't really want to talk to anyone. I usually don't talk to people about my problems. And when people ask I usually change the subject and just say I'm ok. I prefer not to be a winer. I take things on, on my own. That's how I like it. So to deal with what I was feeling at the time I decided that instead of going out and riding bike, or playing guitar like normal, I'd go out to a bar and give random people attitude, and sulk. Sounds like a healthy way to deal with your feelings huh? Nothing noteworthy happened at the bar.
On my way home however, I felt particularly aggressive which is very abnormal for me. I'm usually a laid back guy. I was crossing the street, and yes, I did have the light on my side. I had the right of way. Some guy, I don't know what his problem was, maybe he was drunk driving. He comes around the corner not looking and almost hits me. So I scream at him and flip him off. Now even though this guy was definitely not in the right he flips me off as well and tells me to fuck off. This overwhelming sense of injustice, and rage came over me. I just had to teach this guy a lesson.
Now this is where the stupidity comes into play. I don't know what this guy had in his car, what kind of weapons he might have lying around. A knife, a bat, The Club. Maybe even a gun. It was just stupid. But instead of walking away, I walk over to the driver's side of the car, and all in a few seconds pull the door open and punch him in the face. Now obviously any self-respecting man who just got punched in the face would try to retaliate. So he begins exiting the car, notice I said begins. He never finished exiting the car. No as he tried to exit, I kicked the door as hard as I could and it proceeded to hit him in the face. The last thing I saw was him slumping over in his seat as I walked away. Stupid and regretful. Church...I hate you.
February, 2011; Stinky Pants
Now I'm not going to make it a habit to write about hook ups, but some of them leave a lasting impression to say the least. And usually when you remember them, it's not remembered in a fond way. Point being this hook up with the girl I'll call Stinky Pants. I won't say how I met her out of respect for her privacy. I have to have some limits don't I? I'll humiliate people, piss people off, not care about people's feelings, but I do have my limits. Besides the shit I say usually just comes out because it was the first thing I thought. I'm that guy that everyone knows who's mouth usually gets him into trouble, the difference being that I really don't give a damn.
She wasn't particularly attractive, even though she was cute, and had a nice body. Our personalities weren't exactly a match either, and that's putting it nicely. Anyway, one night in February I was feeling kind of lonely...crazy I know. And with most others I know that'd come over to see me, and hook up, most likely asleep at 5 o'clock in the morning. I txted her.
Me: "Hey, you should come over."
Stinky Pants: "But I'm tired. I was just gonna go home after work."
Me: "But I'm awesome. And you could always just pass out in my bed if you don't annoy me too much."
Stinky Pants: "Ok"
So she came over, and we did our thing. Pretty uneventful, pretty unremarkable. Afterwards she had to go to bathroom, she was polite and asked, and I gave her one of my usual asshole remarks.
Me: "No, I'd rather you shit out here on my bed."
She spent quite a bit of time in there and when she came out I had to use the bathroom so I went in. As soon as I entered the bathroom my nostrils were assaulted by the foul stench of shit and mint. Now, I am not living under the dilution that "girls don't go poopie." But at least most women are nice enough to at least try and mask the smell with something other then toothpaste. Something like, I don't know, actual aerosol maybe?
Me: "Holy shit what did you eat!?"
Stinky Pants: "You're such a gentleman."
Me: "If you wanted a gentleman you're with the wrong guy! Go see a proctologist or something lady!"
Stinky Pants: "I don't have to sit here and take this!"
Me: "No I'm sure you could go ANYWHERE and take this."
Needless to say she left. I never contacted her again. 
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