The Night I Faked An Orgasm

April 2011:

This story is one that I’m not sure any of my friends have heard. I was going through a lot of drama at the time and even though this story had it’s share of highlights it was definitely overshadowed by the drama in life at the time. Now that the drama has subsided, I can look back at this story and laugh at the sheer stupidity of the events, and trust me, it’s full of stupidity. There is just no way to sugar coat that fact. It was stupidity wrapped in idiocy, covered in mind numbing IQ sucking.  

We all have comfort zones, be it a place, a routine, a certain circle of friends or what have you. Me, I know what friends of mine I work best with when I go out. This was one if those nights where I completely got out of the comfort zone and went out with some friends I usually don’t go out with. Squint (because he looks like he should be one of the squints on Bones), Mouth (he’s a motor mouth), and Braniac (He is an evil genius at times).

We went out to a lounge, which usually isn’t my scene, I’m a bar hopping kind of guy. We get into the lounge and crowd around the bar and chitchat for a bit. Mouth notices a group of four girls sitting on a couch talking and he starts making eyes at one of them. I look over and they’re all hot, but I know the last thing we need is for all of us to look over at the same time and freak them out. So I divert my attention and let Mouth do his thing. 

He eventually gets one of the girl’s attention and they start playing eye tag. I’m watching the whole thing happen out of the corner of my eye. She smiles at him and two of her friends catch on to what’s going on. They look over and the three of them start talking and smiling. Eventually their whole group catches and so I tap Squint and Brainiac and let them in on what’s going on. At this point everyone knows what’s going to happen so we start making our way over to them. They are all gorgeous, maybe one of them isn’t as good looking as the rest but she’s still gorgeous in her own right. We take this opportunity to pick who we’re all going to concentrate on. Mouth picks the one he was playing eye tag with and the rest of us are left with a decision. Brainiac taps me on the shoulder. 

Brainiac: “You take the ugly one.”

Me: “Fuck that, you take the ugly one.”

Squint: “Fine, I’ll take the ugly one.”

Mouth: “Wait, which one’s the ugly one?”

At this point we all realize the irony of this situation. None of them are ugly so we just go in. I sit down next to one of them and she smiles at me. We all introduce ourselves. I don’t remember any if their names honestly, I just know they were hot. That’s all that matters isn’t it? The girl that I’m talking to turns away for a few seconds so I grab her drink off the table and start sipping on it. She turns back and sees. 

My Girl: “Hey!”

I just shrug my shoulders. She softly slaps me on the shoulder and grabs her drink. My mouth never left the straw until she pulls it all the way away. She laughs and shakes her head. 

Me: “Hey, I was enjoying that.”

My Girl: “Too bad it’s my drink.”

Me: “So what are you going to do? ‘Punish’ me?”

My Girl: “Maybe.”

I give her a look like I don’t believe her. 

My Girl: “Go ahead just keep screwing with me, you’ll see.”

Me: “Hun, screwing is what I do best.”

My Girl: “I’ll be the judge of that.”

Me: “Hey, hey watch it, I don’t get into bed with just anyone. I’m not that easy. You have to really impress me first.”

My Girl: “Oh yea? Is that so.”

Me: “Beautiful girls are a dime a dozen Hun. I could go practically anywhere and find a beautiful girl. But a beautiful girl with a nice personality is hard to find. You’re not a bad looking chick, but do you have it in you to really impress me? I’m not sure.”

My Girl: “Is that supposed to be a challenge?”

Me: “No, that’s just how I see things. You can take it however you want, I really don’t care.”

I take her drink and sip on it again. She looks at me in disbelief. This girl is gorgeous and I’m sure she’s used to having guys kiss her ass. I don’t kiss anyone’s ass. Not even a beautiful girl that I might be interested in. It’s just not me. As Marlboro said in “Harley Davidson and The Marlboro Man”; “Never chase women or buses. You’ll always get left behind.”

As the night progressed it became clear that these girls would go home with us. Everyone except Mouth. I guess he talked her to death. Yea that’s right, the one who got the rest of us into a sweet situation screwed up his own chances. Either way, me and my girl left. And I’m told, that everyone else left shortly after, except for Mouth. He was still trying to recover. He told us he was able to salvage the situation later. The rest of us agree, that’s debatable. 

Me and the chick I was with went back to my place and things got hot and heavy pretty quickly, and before you know it clothes just somehow started coming off. Almost like they were flying off of our bodies by themselves. Up to this point everything was going great. She was hot, definitely not brain dead, and she was good at everything we did up to that point. Great kisser, awesome fellatio, all we needed to seal the deal was coitus. 

Her pants came flying off and I was greeted by a sight that nearly scared me half to death. It was the most objectionable vagina I had ever seen. And I’ve seen my share of stinkers. This thing looked like an alien vagina. I almost expected it to open up sprout another equally objectionable vagina and eat me. I swear I think my penis shriveled up like a scared turtle. It almost went back into my body for protection. Took some serious imagination to get my head…both my heads back in the game. 

I did not go down on her. And furthermore I had to turn her over on her stomach so I wouldn’t see it. Great body otherwise so I thought this would help me out. Get distracted by some other part of her body and everything would be okay. Part way through I began smelling excrement. Now I fully understand that maybe she wasn’t expecting a hook up that night. And maybe she couldn’t bathe before she came out. But how am I supposed to be able to work under these conditions!?

Normally I would say something, but I didn’t. Maybe I was just determined to finish. Only things is that I just couldn’t. It took me forever to even feel like I was getting halfway done. Alien vagina, and excrement smell put me completely out of my game. Maybe that’s why I kept on going. I wanted to see if I could pull this off, but it just wasn’t happening… I ended up having to fake an orgasm. 

Wait a minute, go back, read that again. I ended up having to fake an orgasm. I hope you’re laughing at that as much as I did writing it. It’s still unbelievable to me to this day that it came to that. I faked that orgasm like a pro, moans, convulsions, I’ve had enough to know how to fake it. 

My Girl: “Why isn’t there any come in the condom?”

Me: “I’ve been fucking all week, I just don’t have any left in me.”

The look on her face was one of pure terror. She got up, got dressed, and left. So fast that I expected her to forget something. She did, her underwear. I tossed them in the trash and bathed myself five times to get the experience off of me. 

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